Are you a fault finder?

Are you a fault finder?

Are you the kind of person that can spot a fault in something or someone from a mile away in a blizzard?  There are plenty of people that think this ability is an attribute.  We can’t be fooled by a smile or a kind word.  No sir, we know what is behind that pretend niceness!  We know what you are really thinking.

While I was thinking about this I was reminded of a story I once heard about a young man that had found the perfect woman to take to wife.  I don’t remember the story exactly as it was told or who told it so I will retell it in my fashion with apologies to the originator for any deviation from the original.

A young man had the occasion to meet a beautiful young woman who he fell in love with at first glance.  She was beautiful beyond his wildest dreams.  Her hair, her eyes even the shape of her face brought a quickened beat to his heart.

Shortly thereafter he asked for her hand in marriage.  When she accepted his heart was filled with joy.  One week to the day later they were married in the little chapel down the lane.

When she raised her vale standing at the altar for their first kiss as man and wife the young man saw something that he hadn’t noticed before.  There on her right cheek was a small birthmark in the shape of a heart.  It was so tiny that it had gone without notice before just that moment.

As time passed with each morning sunrise the young man would gaze at his wife lying there sleeping beside him.  He would look at her face and think what an angel he had married.  She was perfect except for that one little mark. 

The days turned into weeks and weeks into months and then it happened.  One morning as he gazed upon his wife’s face he noticed that the mark had doubled in size.  Then with each successive morning it continued to grow.  Then on one morning he awoke to find that it covered her entire right cheek.

This was more than he could stand so quietly he packed his meager belongings and left leaving only a short note.  It read; I can no longer stand to look upon your face.

When his young wife awoke she found the note and after reading it she sat in front of her mirror crying.  She looked at her reflection in the mirror and wondered what had happened to make her husband feel that way.  She wondered what had changed.

She wiped away her tears and tried to get ready to face the day.  She put a small dab of makeup on the tiny birthmark on her right cheek and she again wondered what had changed.

How many times in your life has a fault that you see in someone or something become the focus of all of your attention?  How often has a tiny fault grown to enormous proportion while you watched?  It is a real easy trap to fall into.  People everywhere do it all the time.  How about you?

There is another factor at work here that you may not be aware of.  I once was told that police officers involved in a high speed chases begin to have tunnel vision.  They become so focused on the car that they are chasing that they lose track of everything else around them.  The results can be tragic.  You may see the connection here.  When we become so focused on someone’s faults we not only lose track of what good that person has but we just might miss the good in others as well.

When it comes to fault finding most of us are nearsighted or maybe farsighted I can never quite figure out which is which!  Well, I looked it up (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperopia) and farsighted is what I mean.  We can be pretty good in finding faults in others but we somehow don’t catch sight of the ones that we have, the biggest of which might just be the fault finding itself.

There are several people in our lives that finding fault can become a real problem.  One would be your employer.  If you find fault enough times with that guy or gal you might be looking for a new job.  Getting hit in the pocket book usually gets our attention.  There are still others that I will get to later that can have a much greater effect on our lives should we go fault finding with them.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when finding fault can be a good thing!  Pilots check their planes for faults before they take off.  That kind of fault finding saves lives.  Introspective fault finding can be effective in helping you improve as a human being and I am guessing that would be a good thing too.  Of course in this case we need to be sure what we are looking at within ourselves is really a fault! 

I know some people that think being kind is a fault.  The same goes for generosity or believing in God.  There are a whole host of things that some people might think are faults that actually are virtues.    I guess that is where it gets confusing.

I’m sure that you have had the term “constructive criticism” thrown at you at one time or another.  The same guy that thought that one up told everyone that the Hindenburg was the future of aviation.  I ask you, do you know anyone who really likes a critic?  I know for sure that I don’t.

I have a friend who told me that he always says no when his wife asked him to do things around the house.  I was surprised because I always try to do what my wife asks me to do.  I thought that was just what a husband did.  He informed me that when he does do things around the house his wife will criticize how he did what ever it was he did forever but if he just says “No” the complaint time was way shorter.  That sort of makes sense, I think.

I don’t think that his plan worked very well.  They are no longer married to each other.  Perhaps on the next go around they will both learn how to treat their new spouse. 

On the helping out around the house deal, I had another friend that told me he got out of doing the dishes by doing a really lousy job at it.  His wife got to the point that she wouldn’t let him near the sink if there were dishes in it.  I guess that he didn’t mind the criticism as long as he got out of doing the dishes.  Hey, I guess that could be called constructive criticism!!

You have probably guessed by now that I believe the one place that fault finding really doesn’t belong is in a marriage.  On top of that I wish that I could say that I have the answer to exactly how you accomplish that little deal and since I haven’t figured out exactly how to eliminate it completely myself I can’t say that I am an expert.  But then, being an expert doesn’t make you right.

There was a young wife that heard from some expert that she should have an honest talk with her husband.  She should let him know all of the things about him that she didn’t like and he could do the same.  Then, according to the expert, they could make changes so they could improve their relationship.  I think the expert called it “good communication”.

So that was what she did.  She made a list of all the little things that he did that annoyed her.  It was just a bunch of little things that bugged her.  She sat down with her husband and went through the list.  He sat there and listened.  When she was all through she asked him what about her would he like to see changed.

He replied, “nothing, you are just perfect the way you are”.  It took a long time for her to stop feeling bad about what she had done to her husband.  She suddenly realized that all of those little things that bugged her weren’t very important after all and the expert’s advise in this case was not so expert.

The real trouble with finding fault is that we can be wrong as many times as we are right.  Take a few minutes to have a look at fault finding gone wrong.  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbFiB7oiQs4&list=PL4E784EC0770935C0&index=2&feature=plpp_video)

So exactly what do we do if we are a fault finder?  I guess it is sort of like when we are over weight.  We stop eating so much (stop finding fault) and do some exercise.  Anyone who is over weight knows how easy that advise is to follow.  It is the same with fault finding with the exception that you can’t look in the mirror and tell if you are a fault finder.

Here is a news flash, even if you aren’t a fault finder you may find more happiness in your marriage if you just practice some anti fault finding techniques just in case.  Here are just a few, you may think of even more.

1.     Don’t criticize your spouse for those little unimportant things that just bug you.  And if the big things won't kill you ignore them too!!

2.     Look for something good each day that your spouse does and tell them about it.

3.     Never part company without telling your spouse that you love them and a kiss would be great. 

4.     Don’t hang up the phone with out telling them you love them.

5.     Do one thing every day for your spouse.  Even if it’s just taking out the trash.

Five is enough for now, but I’m sure that you have gotten the idea.  Just on a side note, one time I was in the store in line to check out.  My wife called to ask me something or other and when we were done talking I said “Love you” and hung up the phone.  The woman behind me said “Gee, that was so sweet.  I wish my husband did that”.  Maybe he is reading this blog.

I know two guys that from my perspective have learned how to not be a fault finder.  One’s name is Eric and the other one is Joe.  I would like to tell you a little about the two of them.

Eric is a soft spoken fellow about my age.  When I asked him what he thought was a way of not find fault he told me a story.  It was about a couple who were on vacation. 

They arrived at a hotel that overlooked the water.  When they entered the room that they were going to stay in the husband looked at the wall of windows and the ocean beyond.  The breeze was blowing the curtains and the view was spectacular.  To the husband it looked like something out of a movie.  As he put the bags down he was carrying he heard his wife say “We aren’t staying here”.

The first thing that came to his mind was that his wife was going to ruin their vacation.  But instead of saying the first thing that he thought of he did something he had trained himself to do instead.  He asked his wife one simple question in a loving manner.  “What’s wrong?”

She told him what it was that she saw when she came into the room.  There was a big stain on the carpet, the place was filthy and the previous guests had left some things behind.

Eric then told me that everyone comes at life from a different perspective and that one way not to find fault is not to jump to a conclusion about what they do.  You need to try to understand what they see that you don’t.

Now it’s Joe’s turn.  I’ve known Joe for a very long time.  I have seen him in action with his wife and his kids.  I have never seen him get angry.  I have never heard him raise his voice.  His wife tells me that he doesn’t get angry.  All in all if he has ever found fault in anyone he has kept it to himself.

If I didn’t know better I would think he was on some sort of medication that most of us could use.  If he could bottle it he would make a fortune.  So what can we take away from Joe?  I think it starts with self control and ends with a happier life.  I also know that if Joe’s children grow up to be like their dad the world will be that much a better place.

So to all of us fault finders out there, when we find a fault in someone we need to look for an attribute to cancel it out and remember to keep our mouths shut until we find something nice to say!  Bite your tongue if need be.  I might need stitches before my training period is done!

And remember this, you and your fault finding will never change the person in who you are finding fault.  The end result will be how they see you and you may not like the faults they see in you.

So, until the next time, keep smiling (it confuses the fault finders) and if you want to find fault, learn how to fly an airplane.